You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
