Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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