Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I have tasted many bathrooms
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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