Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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