and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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