The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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