Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
two words...techno handjob
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
