I need help removing her.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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