I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
