if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
