What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
