Hey man sorry I got all grabby
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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