i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize