Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
