listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
