Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
