just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
