does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
