you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
