my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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