I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
