Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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