Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
