i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
