if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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