You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
that's an acceptable place to lick
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
