Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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