I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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