I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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