I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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