I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
