True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
