Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
