I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
