I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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