dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
