dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
