currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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