you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize