Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
