we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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