did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
