If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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