...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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