I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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