It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
