The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
