Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
