Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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