The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
