bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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