I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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