ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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