Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
