I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
