How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
