I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
