Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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